Why am I calling to me experiences that create the feeling of being judged and conditionally loved? I ask myself this question now because through all of my professional training I have learned that I am the co-creator of my experience. I no longer allow the victim within me to be in charge, but rather allow the discerning part of me to navigate via curiosity.
As I reflected on this question yesterday, coming from the state of faith, I began to notice how the universe was conspiring to give me clarity on this situation. The stronger I felt faith within me, the more clarity I experienced.
I was very fortunate to have a fellow colleague and friend, Shelley Rector http://www.shelleyrector.com, walk me through the process of understanding what the parts of me that were feeling judged and unloved wanted. The feedback that I have received from family, friends and colleagues is that I am the queen of unconditional love and validation and I effortlessly hold space for others to explore their feelings without judgment. So why was I unable to receive this from others?
I was raised to believe that you "give what you want to receive." Through Shelley's and my work, it became clear that I found the parts of me that were at times judgmental and conditional, to be disgusting. I found judgment & conditional love so disgusting that I often allowed myself to be treated in ways that were less than stellar to say the least. I allowed my boundaries to be pushed, feelings to be hurt and most of all, I gave away my self-respect and esteem and took on more than my share of blame in each situation that I encountered, to my own detriment.
Today, I allowed my mind to quiet and listen to what the conditional and judgmental parts of me really wanted. I stopped apologizing for my feelings and finally afforded myself the love of knowing that I too am perfectly imperfect. And for as much time as I live in love, gratitude, acceptance etc. there are also parts of me that are fearful, judgmental, controlling and the like. By actually loving these parts, it allows me to feel them, listen to what they need and then release the hold they have on me.
By fearing these parts and judging them within myself, I was actually calling to me experiences that reflected this vibration. I know now, that the vibration of self-love and acceptance vibrates at a much higher level than that of fear of judgment and conditional love. I trust that choosing this vibration will create the experience that I desire.
Today, I commit to loving ME from the inside out. I accept and embrace that which makes me the woman that I am and I am that I am truly perfectly imperfect!
